Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
You Might Also Like
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
why I oughta
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this