My dog after a walk in the woods.
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.