FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
#CatsOnTwitter
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again