When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A family that plays together cheats.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no