“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Science memes
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible