“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).