There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I unironically love this joke.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan