me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
sir, my pâté if you please
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”