Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.