I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
me after drinking all the wine:
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
mom gave me mine for free
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’