Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤