“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I can’t be the only one 😂
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…