Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog