Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.