Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty