[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion