There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.