Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers