Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.