So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules