chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Perfect
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
😂😂
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
broke down and did it
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?