My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
You Might Also Like
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke