Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You Might Also Like
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
peeping toms
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Shortcut
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?