thanks auntie mary
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My kitchen overserved me.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.