*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Okey dokey.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.