*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.