Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?