Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
cat vs inanimate object
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.