What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.