I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
become ungovernable
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.