*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.