her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.