The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The little toadstool has spoken.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.