Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior