My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier