Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands