If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
How to make infinite energy.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war