If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I can’t wait!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush