Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.