Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
TODAY
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
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