I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
(more comics:
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.