Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.