very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
They did not think through this water fountain
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.