Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Dishonest mechanic?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours