You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.