[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
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First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*