Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.