me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.