Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.