Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
this chia pet tastes awful
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me